Very Hungry Dreams

So I was going to post this on a pro eating disorder site I'm a member of, but i figured they wouldn't have any useful input

Then I thought of posting it on a recovery website, but i figured I've been posting a lot lately and I don't want to be overly negative....

So I'm posting it here... partly to get the post count up and maybe a little venting, but don't feel obliged to respond

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This morning I woke up feeling absolutely famished. I'm not even sure why. I breathed in and all of the muscles in my back were screaming. So I went to the kitchen and took the first thing i craved; chips and dip. And... I don't know if im seriously lacking the fat or if my soon to be college freshman senses are tingeling... but I probabbly had two or three servings of chip and dip. I feel pretty disgusting.

After the chip and dip incident I diecided to stop and make myself a sandwich. Even though i binged on fartty foods, i still deserve nutrition. I diecided to have an egg patty with cheese and pasta sauce on two slices of wheat bread. I am barely half way through and tempted to purge, but I know I should eat this or I'll just want more junk.

I'm repeating the mantra "a few extra servings of chips can't kill me, but purging can"

I just remembered... i had a dream I was eating chips. This used to happen when I wasn't feeding myself properlly...like i would dream of brownies and bigmacs. Sometimes i would wake up and freak out thinking it actually happened

and well... i woke up and made it happen because i guess i was just that hungry :\


I am really upset that I just let myself go like that! I'm not sure what it means.... is this common? I mean... i have been restricting lately, but i never eat under 1000 calories. I don't know what could be wrong. I feel like a mess