Step One all over again...

Alot of people don't know this because I was able to hide it well but I am an alcoholic. I've actually been sober 2 years December 15th. I wasn't what you would consider your "typical" alcoholic. I wasn't getting DUI's, in prison, bar fights, or any of that behavior. In fact, you probably wouldn't even think I was drunk since it only took me 2 beers at the most (my body just doesn't process it).

Heck it took me forever to admit it to myself that I was. I did so not because someone else said "hey you are an alcoholic" but because I recognized it in myself. I could have gone on drinking half a bottle of wine and just said i was tired, or come home from work and down a few mike's or rum and cokes and no one would be the wiser. But..I was. And I am.

Now I am truly craving it. And since I'm going off some of my meds it makes it even easier to want to drink and harder to refuse it, much harder. Especially with pain increasing and stress building around my household with moving. I want to just plunge into a bottle of wine.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't have the thought that if you drink you are an alcoholic. I look at cause. I was drinking every night because I was trying to get away from what was happening in my life (abuse in my case). I know if I drink now its because of events that are very uncomfortable and hard to deal with and I really don't want to break sobriety for it. It's just difficult because family pushes me on it (even if its gentle) to help with pain etc. They may be right but I know if I drink even one beer again, then I'm going to just keep doing it.

It sucks is all I can say and that's where my step one goes back into play. Admitting I'm powerless and that life becomes unmanageable. And it truly does when I'm back at the bottle.

Thanks for listening!