a gateway and mindset ( ill try to keep it but warned just in-case )

the just in-case warning disclaimer of possible graphic but i doubt it since i am not very descriptive

this to me is some thing i would not speak with a doctor about it as it seems normal to me, but to some others odd or wrong if you you have advice or some thing to say just let me know but here's a go at it.

through out my life i seem to have become accustomed to blaming my self for things or feeling that i was not doing good enough, in which from about the age of 10-11 i began indulging in "self harm" i some how found and still find it comforting to feel pain some times whether its because i feel sad or alone or even just displeased in my self, when i first started out i would simply do dumb things that i knew would go wrong every thing from cuts to bruises to high falls etc. it then latter i began feeling i needed more pain, or that i had to harm my self to get further in life i moved onto even burning and catching my self on fire to seeing how many times i could hit my self or hit some thing before i couldn't take it any more, whether because of pain or mental status it occurs randomly now even though i am dealing with some anguish and severe pains due to medical issues i still find its not enough some times, whether i find my self beating a brick wall until i cant feel my hand or putting a cigar out on my flesh just to feel it burn and feel like like i am punishing my self, i rarely c*t my self any more due to the fact i was caught cutting my wrist and had the intent to simply slash it and attempt to kill my self, but being caught by my parents and having gone through talks i found it rather difficult to c*t my self with out being noticed and instead of simply stopping i found my self the way i am now, seeking pain out of means that are not noticeable by others, i feel if i don't have that pain or torture i am not progressing or that i am slacking and not pushing my self hard enough, which has grown worse in the past year or two with my medical issues preventing me from working normally and exercising from weight lifting to walking or any thing straining, in which has brought back the severe thoughts of killing my self because i am wasting my own time and time of others, and failing to progress and failing to fix my self or be fixed to not burden others or to be able to simply live a day with out feeling unaccomplished, but i don't really share things often but i figured i would see if any one understood my reasons or have had the same issues or reasons/feelings.

Well i can identify with this a lot. I started self harming when I was young. I just did it in ways others wouldn't notice (similar in terms of using martial arts to where I knew I would get hurt), not eating all the time, etc. There are more ways than just cutting.

The reason I stopped self harming was that I knew I wasn't facing what was really going on. I realized that it wasn't healthy and I was just doing it because I was too scared to really deal with my problems. Also it was easier, if I'm feeling such intense pain emotionally/mentally, it's easier to deal with pain that I am controlling.

Something you wrote that I can understand is the desire or feeling you *have* to punish yourself. Or else things are not just right. For you, I don't understand why your belief is this. But for me its because when I was in slavery, it was a necessity. If I didn't do what was expected of me, then I was punished. After so long, it becomes embedded that punishment is the befitting if I do anything less than perfection. Even after I got out of those situations, I would continue to punish myself, however means this was. It went to the core of whether I had any self worth or not. To me, I didn't. I had no self worth except what others told me I had.

I don't think what you are doing is healthy, but I understand it. For you, its going to have to be facing what you don't want to face, including why you feel like you have to punish yourself. And when you do find out the "why's", its whether or not you want to change that. Recovery is the hardest thing to do in this life, it is harder than anything because it spans to everything in our life. Chronic illness, pain, emotional, physical, mental..there is always a concept of "healing" that goes on.

One thing I also saw was that you felt that you were someone or something that had to be "fixed". It's not accepting where you are at with what you are given. As much as chronic illness, abuse, pain, suffering suck..and they do suck..its also about whether or not you face this or not. I wish I could tell you "what to do" but fact is recovery is a journey that can get guidance, support and love but the path you walk is the one you choose.

Thank you for opening up and don't be afraid to start a diary on this. It can help if anything to get your thoughts out, to look back on things you may have believed before or didn't believe and what you believe now. Looking at progression (which can even look like walking backwards) etc. Hang in there hun *safe hugs*

Kuno

before i basically shut my self out from most of the word and most people ( yes i know i seem fine and social and try to view things comically and try not to give a 2 cent about things any more ) there where various things pushing me in my life, whether it was being told i was not having enough faith in god straying to go to hell, or parents fighting and arguing, always attracting trouble and being in fights whether i started it or happened to be around people that had no reasoning and still fought me or attacked me, every thing from supposed friends to family arguments and fights and generally being a outcast i felt i would keep letting people down if i did not change, so i began using methods of pain to force my self mentally to try or work harder towards some thing, and in the end when it did not help any i gave up, i decided it was not my job to please or make others happy or approve of me, i began only following my own self desires and pleasures regardless of what others said, but i kept the method of pushing my self so that if i felt displeased or disappointed in my efforts i could make my self suffer and add fuel/rage to a hope of changing it or becoming better to simply push my self beyond normal limits, and in the end i have become the type of person that my own thoughts can make me sick or make me feel like i have become some thing horrible, when i have to stop and question my self or completely stop my mind because it was headed in such a sick disturbing direction that i felt i was a threat to some one else i c*t relations with people i knew, i have gone between knowing groups of people and then the next day never speaking to them again because i would feel disturbed out of my own mind or by some thing i would find out about them that disgusted me, or made me feel like being around them would make me that much worse, there's only one person i have never c*t ties with i have known him for 10 years now, i began believing in my parents and hoping they would become better and stop the fighting and arguing in which it did over time, i however still can not trust any one, between so called friends and people that i loved and believed they loved me i shut down my ability to trust any one, i know it sounds wrong but there's not a single person i trust it may be my definition of trust possibly or maybe i simply shut my self down that much, but it was these things along with other reasons that i started and became the way i am now.

We have all self harmed (for those that have) for their own reason, their own circumstance. And I agree with you, people's versions of trust differ. For some its a all or nothing, either I trust you with my life or I do not trust you at all or for some its a step ladder. In my opinion, that "all or nothing" thinking in regards to trust can be dentrimental.

For me, I can talk about things and its seemingly deep but it isn't fully into who I am. I have opened up a lot more than I used to but I can relate to not trusting. I am learning that trust can be a ladder though and that yes, people will disappoint but I'm really good at surviving pain. So if I trust and get hurt, than to me, there is no difference between not trusting and being hurt anyways.

When I first got out of abuse, I c*t ties with every single person I knew, some friendships I had for 6 years or more. Eventually had to break off a 14 year friendship because the person told me that I should die, I was better off dead and no one should help me. That shattered me for a while.

I also felt that I don't deserve anybody. Don't deserve love or friends or anything because I'm a monster. But I am learning that my thoughts do not control my actions. They may be showing signs of things that aren't healthy within me, but they don't control me. For instance, while yes this is a anonymous online area, you are opening up here. That takes a level of trust. It may be very small and perhaps it isn't trust by your defintion, but my mine it is.

To me that is a very healthy first step. Recovery and healing means facing the worst part of yourself, it means accepting things about yourself that you don't want to (such as accepting that your thoughts are going to areas that you hate) or accepting that what you went trhough in your past was extremely harmful for you. That doesn't mean condoning your past or your pain in terms of "its okay, forget it etc" because that's impossible. What it DOES mean is you have to accept your pain and you have to face it in a healthy way rather than run away behind your defense mechanisms (seeming like you don't care can be one of those).

I would sincerely suggest you have a diary too where you can put your thoughts and feeling (however debase and horrible they seem). This isn't a place of judgment, it is a place of healing and recovery and that can mean facing things about ourselves that we don't want and you would be amazed at how NOT alone that you are.

Please know that I, for one, do not think less of you and in fact can relate to everything you have put. Wanting your past to change when you know you can't. Wanting your thoughts to change when you can't control them. Wanting to feel different, be different when you can't because there are things you can't control. Also being so sickened by your thoughts that you don't know how to face it and shut down.

Keep writing, I'm proud of you for opening up here. Please remember, you aren't alone.