At a Dangerous CrossRoad

I'm at this cross road when it comes to my physical health. I'm completely off of pain medication which if I'm perfectly honest to myself, I need. I don't say that as a addict, which I'm not, or even a dependence issue (since I've been completely off for over a week now and not craving the med itself...in fact I still have about 20 + pills left of my ER med and 10 of my short acting and 3 scripts for my short acting)...I digress.

In any case,... they are something I need and at the same time I feel completely and utterly ready to give up. Give up on everything. It would be one thing if I could drive myself to appointments and if my insurance was my own. But I can't and it's not. It's causing my mom to have credit problems, my own debt to continue to climb (over 300k) and getting more and more anger and hostility and other things towards me because I'm sick.

Not to mention they don't know what's wrong with me..so just having that and having numerous docs give up on me because they aren't willing to search more (my family keeps saying how they have checked everything when in actuality they have only thoroughly checked the neurological side of things..where 3 of my docs since the beginning have thought rhuematological...except a rheumy hasn't been willing to even look past my ANA blood work...which in my opinion, is idiocracy at its best).

So now I'm at this point where I need pain medication (unfortunately strong ones) to be able to live life without nearly crying all the time, being completley depressed or usually causing misery to other people in my life because they can't seem to understand why I'm "not happy anymore". Or at the other end where I can't get it anyways because then I'm told I'm an addict (by family and more) and the doctors can't find out what's wrong with me (again for aforementioned reasons)..so its like..what do I do?

I have never been this close to giving up before in over a year and I'm there. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix what's wrong with me..since they don't know what's wrong with me. My family and friends think I'm just fine just because I haven't died or lost a kidney in the last three years. Forget about being in a wheelchair or having seizures (they think those are fake too by the way...especially since the EEG didn't show the seizures but then ya know the 30% of people who are epileptic have the same problem..but couldn't possibly be true for me..not according to them at least..which is of course bullshit).

So yeah..I know this became a rant, but I'm also in dire need of support because it looks other than my seizure meds and mood med..i won't be having any type of pain relief. I'm still going to do what I can without and I really really don't want to be on them..i just don't know what to do anymore. I'm pissed off, I'm tired, I'm sad and very much fed up.

So i'll leave this rant be, but had to get it otu somehow and I figure there are some out there who understand chronic illness, docs not "Getting it" and heck maybe never diagnosing me...

Thanks for reading if you do LOL

Kuno

Adding to this, one of the few major reasons I went off the narcotic is I have no one and no way to make it to my pain management appointment because my mom's bf (though retired) get's pissed off that I have to go. So maybe that's the real reason behind me just giving up. Although mom won't help me out anymore either...so I'm basically stuck either way until I get my own job and own insurance...:/